People Say the Stupidest Things When You Have Cancer, June 7
Daily Reflections from Inside the Cancer Journey
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Written by Niki Hardy
“Then Hannah prayed and said: ‘There is no Rock like our God … the Lord is a God who knows’” (1 Samuel 2:1a, 2b, 3b NIV).
Have people ever said the most ridiculously stupid things to you about cancer? Instead of words of comfort and reassurance, I was often greeted with things like, “Oh, my uncle died of that.” It drove me absolutely bonkers. I'm sure I'm not the only one. The truth is, we all have the tendency to put our foot in it when we're not sure what to say or we are awkwardly trying to help. But sometimes it's terribly hard to just shrug the words off. If we aren't careful, the pain digs deep and then lingers.
But what if we could just carry on and not let it rattle us? People will say hurtful things—and if we're honest, we will continue saying a few hurtful things along the way, as well. It will go on, but how we respond to it can change.
The truth that began to stand out for me was this: people will often misunderstand us, but there is One who never, ever will. It reminded me of the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel chapter 1. Hannah was married to a man named Elkanah, who also had another wife called Peninnah. Now Peninnah had children, but poor Hannah didn’t, and it caused her so much pain and suffering. Yet Peninnah would provoke Hannah and keep winding her up day after day, year after year to the point where Hannah almost let it break her.
But as we read, we see Hannah rising above Peninnah’s words. Hannah comes to trust that “the Lord is a God who knows” (1 Samuel 2:3b). It's from Him that she finds the peace to not just rise above Peninnah’s words, but to extinguish their power.
The journey to peace always brings us back to Jesus. Jesus not only hears us and sees us and knows us, He's walked the journey of suffering Himself—and it's to Him that we can go. When people make us feel unseen, Jesus sees us. When people minimize our pain, Jesus acknowledges it. When people offer simple fixes to a complex problem, Jesus sits with us in our anxiety. True peace comes from our Lord who completely understands us.
This ultimately dictates how we respond to people when they say unhelpful things. Like Jesus before us we go to our Father and pray, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:33 NIV). This was Jesus' response to those who ridiculed Him as He suffered the pain and loss of the cross. He was able to forgive them because He knew the love of His Father. As we, too, stand in His love, we, too, can offer understanding and forgiveness to those who don’t understand what we're going through.
As we do, the power of their words is broken and any resentment we're brewing begins to fade. Remember, friends, people will misunderstand you and your situation and blurt out the most hurtful things, but Jesus never misunderstands you. He understands your pain, and always, always offers love.
Pray: Lord, thank You that You are a God who has suffered, and You understand. Thank You that through the cross I have the power of Your Spirit within me, and You enable me to love and forgive those who hurt me. Help me to live in a place of freedom and not bitterness. Help me to rest in Your love and Your peace. In Jesus’ name I ask this. Amen.
Your Turn: Think of a few stock responses you can have up your sleeve the next time someone’s comment is difficult for you. One of my favorites is to simply say, “Thanks so much for your concern. I really appreciate it.” Maybe it’s simply to take a deep breath and smile. Count to at least three on every breath, imagining breathing in Jesus and breathing out the comment.
Niki Hardy, Family Member and Cancer Survivor
Niki is a British author, speaker, podcast host, and cancer thriver. Through her books Breathe Again: How to Live Well When Life Falls Apart and One Minute Prayers for Women with Cancer, and her free Trusting God Through Cancer Summit and Chemo Chair Prayers podcast, she helps people discover that life doesn’t have to be pain-free to be full, then to go live it. Download her FREE book bundle or find other resources at nikihardy.com.
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